I Lost 100 Subscribers And Learned Something Important
Day Twenty — 30 Days Of Writing About The Relational Patterns That Nearly Destroyed Me So You Don’t Lose Yourself Trying To Stay Loved.
I am on day 20 of 30 days of writing about relationship patterns that nearly destroyed me, so you don’t lose yourself trying to stay loved.
And honestly, it’s been fascinating.
I have lost over 100 subscribers here on Substack, which is completely fine because for years I wrote about Human Design and business growth. A deep dive into self-abandonment, relationship dynamics, and the ways we unconsciously compromise ourselves to maintain connection was always going to lose a few people along the way.
At the same time, I have received more private messages than ever before. Women sharing their own stories, telling me they finally feel seen and can completely resonate with the patterns and experiences I am writing about. I have also received a surprising number of messages from men trying to better understand their wives, girlfriends, and daughters.
Multiple people have bought me coffees and I cannot explain how ridiculously excited I get every time one of those notifications lands in my inbox.
But beyond all of that, this little writing experiment has taught me something far more interesting.
Most people say they want change, but very few people actually want transformation.
Transformation asks something of you. It asks you to look at yourself. To take responsibility. To question the stories you have built your identity around. It asks you to stop blaming your partner, your parents, your childhood, your boss, your ex, and instead ask the much harder question:
“How am I participating in this?”
And that is where most people leave the room.
Instant gratification is far more appealing than self-awareness. A vision board is more fun than looking at why you keep abandoning yourself. Manifesting your dream relationship is more exciting than admitting you have accepted crumbs for twenty years. A morning routine is easier than asking yourself why you do not believe you deserve more.
Yet every single self-abandonment pattern I have written about over the last twenty days points to the same thing.
The thing causing the most pain in your life is rarely the situation itself. It is the version of you that keeps abandoning yourself within the situation.
The hyper-vigilant woman.
The powerless woman.
The woman who self-rejects.
Different patterns. Same outcome.
The slow erosion of self.
The longer I write this series, the more convinced I become that self-abandonment sits underneath everything that is not working in our lives. We spend years trying to earn love, safety, acceptance, belonging, success, approval, and worth from the outside world whilst slowly disconnecting from ourselves.
And no amount of strategy, manifestation, healing, mindset work, journaling prompts, morning routines, green juices, vision boards, crystals, positive affirmations, sound baths, cacao ceremonies, or moon water can solve a problem that requires you to come home to yourself.
So here is a round-up of the blogs so far. If any of the titles feel like they are calling to you, dig in.
See you for day 21 tomorrow.
Tons of love,
L x
