Mistaking Nervous System Survival For Love
Day Nine — 30 Days Of Writing About The Relational Patterns That Nearly Destroyed Me So You Don’t Lose Yourself Trying To Stay Loved.
Day Nine — 30 Days Of Writing About The Relational Patterns That Nearly Destroyed Me So You Don’t Lose Yourself Trying To Stay Loved.
My nervous system would have kept me in the most dangerous relationships simply because they became familiar to me.
That was one of the hardest things I ever had to accept about myself.
I could consciously know something was unhealthy, painful, emotionally exhausting, and still feel deeply attached to it because my body had integrated it as normal.
The thought of being trapped by my own nervous system patterns literally terrified me.
It is why I became obsessed with understanding myself so deeply. My Human Design. My nervous system. My unconscious patterns. My self-concept. I needed to understand why I kept ending up in situations that were draining the life out of me whilst simultaneously feeling emotionally impossible to leave.
Our humanness is honestly unbelievable when you really stop and look at it. Being a human never ceases to amaze me.
Our heart beats.
Our blood flows.
Our body regulates itself constantly through neurological pathways and unconscious systems that work without our conscious involvement.
And our relationship patterns work in exactly the same way.
You think the same thoughts about yourself repeatedly and eventually your body starts responding as though they are true.
“I am hard to love.”
“I am not enough.”
“I always get abandoned.”
“I need to earn connection.”
“I have to work for love.”
“I am unsafe.”
You think these things about yourself just enough times to create a consistent response to them, and voila….. the brain integrates it as reality. A neurological pathway forms and the body begins navigating life through that lens automatically.
You have created your self-concept, how you show up in relationships, and the position you hold in a relationship.
It is never an accurate representation of your potential, but becomes the excuses you give to tolerate questionable behaviour from others.
This negative self-concept can lead to a trauma bonded relationship as your body starts to learn the role you play within it.
At the beginning your nervous system reacts strongly to the red flags. Your body feels the inconsistency. The anxiety. The emotional unpredictability. Your intuition sounds the alarm constantly. You KNOW something feels wrong.
But the excuses your negative self-concept throws out has you continue returning to the relationship over and over again despite what your body is trying to communicate, and your nervous system slowly begins integrating the chaos as familiar.
The lies become familiar.
The inconsistency becomes familiar.
The emotional withdrawal becomes familiar.
The anxiety becomes familiar.
The hyper-vigilance becomes familiar.
Your body adapts itself around surviving the relationship dynamic. And eventually your nervous system becomes more focused on maintaining the familiar connection than questioning whether the connection is actually healthy for you.
That is where the trauma bond loop really begins.
You get hurt emotionally, feel anxious, feel unsafe, or fear rejection, abandonment, or emotional disconnection.
In these moments your self-abandonment patterns activate immediately. As a way to navigate the situation without losing connection…..all happening unconsciously by the way.
Its like your brain says ‘activate the familiar self-concept’ and immediate you are flooded with thoughts like ‘I should just be grateful; or ‘People like me should just accept what life throws at them’ , or ‘I don’t deserve any better’- you know, whatever nonsense your brain created as a response to the emotional pain of not feeling loved, safe, or accepted.
So……
You over-give.
You people please.
You over-explain.
You shape-shift.
You hyper-focus on the other person.
You abandon your own needs trying to restore emotional safety within the relationship.
Then suddenly the person gives you the smallest moment of emotional relief.
An out of the blue compliment, a slavering text apology…… And your nervous system grabs onto that relief instantly.
Your body floods with hope.
“See. - They do care.”
“It is getting better.”
“I knew they loved me.”
That emotional relief feels enormous because your body has been sitting inside emotional deprivation and emotional threat. So the nervous system starts becoming attached to the relief.
And the cycle repeats itself again.
Pain.
Anxiety.
Fear.
Self-abandonment.
Relief.
Hope.
Over and over. Until eventually you are no longer relating from alignment, peace, truth, or emotional safety. You are relating from conditioning.
And THIS is why leaving unhealthy relationships can feel emotionally unbearable for so many women.
Your body is not only grieving the relationship itself, it is grieving the emotional familiarity your nervous system became attached to. Even painful familiarity can feel safer to the body than unfamiliar peace.
That was one of the biggest wake up calls of my life. Seeing my entire being CRAVE the familiar pain over accepting inner peace.
Healing required me to teach my nervous system that love was never supposed to feel like hyper-vigilance, emotional instability, anxiety, fear, confusion, or emotional starvation. And honestly, learning that changed my entire life.
Maybe this is showing up in your life right now and you haven’t even realised it yet?
Maybe your body has become so used to inconsistency that peace feels boring?
Maybe you are over-explaining yourself constantly because your nervous system is trying to avoid disconnection?
Maybe you keep calling it “chemistry” when actually your body is in a state of hyper-vigilance?
Maybe you are emotionally exhausted because you are spending your life trying to secure love from people who trigger your abandonment wounds instead of choosing relationships that actually feel safe to exist inside of?
Maybe your body has become so attached to the moments of relief that you are overlooking the amount of pain surrounding them?
Once you start answering these questions honestly… YOUR entire life begins to change.
Tons of love
L x